I get asked the question a lot of how are my other children are doing and to that I say amazing because they are. But here is a little more detail to that question:
Cams: She was my right hand man during that 'awful' day since I didn't have John home and she handled everything like a champ. She was right in the heat of things with me and started CPR while I called 9-1-1. I'll never forget that moment when we both looked in each other's eyes in complete desperation and panic when we knew the CPR wasn't working. Still, she stayed calm and steady and when the police arrived, she gathered her siblings and prayed in the family room with them. She was perfect. You would think from this horrifying event, she would be in some major therapy right now, but Cams has been so strong and unwavering. Of course, she had her bad days at first but we have talked and talked and talked about every second of that day to where we have embraced the events and accepted them. She and I will always have this amazing bond because of what we both did for Noah that day and I love her for her strong spirit and sensitive heart. Cams will continue to be a beacon of light for her younger brothers and sisters.
Kendyl: She is my mini-me. We look alike, we think alike, we like the same things, and we are very attached - almost to a fault. I can't imagine the look she saw in my eyes when I came running out of the room with Noah's body in my hands screaming for help. All I remember her saying was, "Mom, I'm not leaving you! I'm right here! I'm not leaving you!" And she didn't. She was also going into shock. Naturally, her body took this really hard which has led to some anxiety and bed-wetting. However, now that we are almost 6 months out, the bed-wetting has stopped and that is a huge reason to celebrate. I'm on a waiting list to get into a little therapy program for her anxiety just so John and I can go out without her becoming sick with worry. I talk with her all the time too, and we pray at night together for her to be strong and have faith in the future. She is going to be fine. Time will be a healer for her. Kendyl has felt the holy ghost very strongly a few times since Noah passed that are very personal to her and she has a strong testimony of that. I'm so grateful she had those experiences that she'll remember her whole life.
Lucy: Last week in primary, one of the counselors asked anyone if they wanted to share an experience about prayer. Lucy raised her hand and started with this, "When my little brother stopped breathing..." my heart sank. I wasn't expecting that. She continued to say, "My mom was yelling at us 'JUST PRAY! JUST PRAY!' and so all of my brothers and sisters knelt in our front room and prayed that we would know what to do. Then, my sister Cameron and I ran around the neighborhood with no shoes on, trying to find some help but no one was home. We finally found our friend's house who don't go to our church and they let us stay there until our uncles came. I know that prayer helps us know what to do even when we're scared and frightened.' It was so sweet and true. She knew that what she was saying was true. It made me so happy. Lucy has also been very sensitive to Noah's passing. I've always said she has a wise old spirit and she's always the one to put her head on my shoulder if I'm crying and ask if I'm okay. She is going to her school's counselor on Wednesday and loves it. Miss Beverly has been such a blessing to us.
Benny: He asked me if I would put this picture as our background on our computer so he can see it often throughout the day. He loves this picture of him and Noah so much. Benny is only 5 years old and even though they say young kids don't understand the concept of death, I know Benny has felt it deeply. He has been very non-emotional throughout this event, but I know he's been listening and absorbing everything. His questions have been very specific about where Noah is and even the morning after Noah passed, he was telling me that Noah was okay and he was with Jesus. I wish everyone could hear his prayers right now. They are the sweetest most genuine thing you've ever heard. It's as if he's talking right to Noah in heaven - brother to brother conversation. Makes me weep. Benny is awesome and he keeps us hopping and laughing. My big boy.
Bo: This kid has been my life saver. He lives life as if nothing's ever happened and I need that so much. Normalcy. He's oblivious to any of it and I am so grateful for it. Most of the time when I think I'm hiding my tears from my kids, he'll find me and look at me so concerned and ask if I'm okay. Then, we snuggle for a second and I'm fine. Good ol' BoBo.
This sculpture is found in the conference center. I love it so much.
John and I: It hit John really hard on the Sunday when Noah should've been blessed in church. We had other friends in our ward that had their baby a few days before Noah and we knew we'd be blessing our babies together, but John didn't think it was going to be that hard on him. He came home just a wreck. I felt so bad for him.
Since then, he's been a rock and I've needed that. If both of us would've been feeling the way I did, it would've been really bad. He's had to tell me over and over again that this was not anyone's fault, it was Noah's time and I believe him, but I will forever have those thoughts creep into my mind of guilt that he'll need to erase and help me with. We'll be 75 and doing the same thing. I love our relationship.
About a month after Noah passed, I endured 3 consecutive days of very intense therapy. And when I say intense, I mean raw, stomp on your heart, hellish therapy. The therapist made me relive that awful day a million times over so I would become numb to it. I went from not being able to even talk about it, to being able to easily explain every detail of it. It helped me tremendously.
I still can't sing hymns. I'll close my eyes and hum them.
I finally went to Noah's grave about a month ago. It wasn't something I wanted to do for the longest time because it wasn't a comforting place for me, but one day I knew it was the day for me to go, and I did. By myself. Just me and my baby. I laid by his grave and put my arm over the patch of dirt and cried my eyes out. Every time since then, it has gotten a little better. My insides still yearn and literally cramp (kind of like nursing cramps) when I'm close to him. Time will help with that I'm told.
I still sleep with his little blankey (the one I'm holding in the bottom picture) and little pants he was wearing the day he passed. They go with me wherever I go. I don't see that coming to an end any time soon or ever. I put them on my chest and close my eyes to feel him there so I can drift off to sleep.
I haven't moved any of his stuff yet. His clothes are in the laundry basket, his crib is in my room, etc. I have however, ordered his headstone which I'm very proud of myself for doing. It takes a long time to get those done and it was very hard to do but I wanted to get that out of the way.
I also held a baby on Christmas Day. My cousin Mikey and Jordan had their baby a couple weeks after Noah and I felt myself being drawn to them during our Christmas breakfast. They were so nice to let me hold Brooks and cry my heart out. Brooks looked just like Noah all wrapped up in his blanket. Sleeping. Just like how I saw Noah for the last time.
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| Baby Brooks |
I'll wrap this post up by saying when I think of my 5 children frantically praying in our front room on that awful day, I imagine angles surrounding them in their little circle. I imagine angels running with Lucy and Cameron around our neighborhood looking for help. They were without their mom or dad and they had been asked to do something no child should ever be asked to do. They saw something no one should have to see. That requires a whole heck of a lot of faith. They are stronger than I ever was, they are more valiant and courageous than anyone I know. They are fighters, but they've had heavenly help to get them to where they are today. We all know that. They are why I do what I do everyday because I know they feed off of me. We love our eternal family.
