Today hurts. Not gonna lie. But that's okay because the hurt means there's a piece of my heart that's missing and there is, so it's a reminder to me of my little Noah who I once held in my arms who's not here anymore. That hurts a mom's heart but tomorrow will be better. It always is.
I wanted to write down an experience I had this week which humbled me. I got a text from our primary president earlier in the week that said we needed 2 ladies to volunteer to run the nursery on Thursday morning while they have a roundtable meeting at the church. She said she had sent around the signup sheet 2 times throughout the RS and YW and no one had signed up. Not one. Since I'm the primary pianist, the signup sheets never make it up to me so I had never seen it. (Who knows if I would've signed up anyways because Thursday morning is the day I go to the temple and I don't schedule anything during that time.) After reading that text I was angry for 2 reasons. 1 - why would she send that text to me knowing I have a hard time around babies right now and that would be the last place I would want to be and 2 - why didn't anyone in my whole ward sign up for this??????? Not one!
I felt guilty that she wasn't getting any help so I text her back saying I'd be the backup if no one else could do it but since I was leaving to Utah that afternoon, I'd probably need to get things done that morning.
That Thursday morning, I still hadn't packed and was STILL mad at my ward for not signing up and thought about not going to the nursery, but I knew any extra hands would be nice. Boy was I right! Those kids came pouring through that door as soon as that meeting started. More and more and more! We couldn't keep up. Thankfully, there were another lady from our ward and 2 from another ward there to help so we were doing alright but as soon as we thought we were maxed out, another wave of kids came in! It looked like a little ant hill with tons of little ants moving all over. Luckily, there were only a couple of criers so for the most part it was fine.
About 15 minutes into our 2-hour shift, I noticed a little boy curled up in a ball on the floor. He had a big bald head with his binky in and reminded me of what Bo and Benny looked like when they were that age. He had to have been about 10 months, I thought. When I got closer, I noticed his big bottom lip pushed out and the look in his big blue eyes was nothing short of 'I need my mom.' He wasn't crying, so I picked him up and as soon as I did, he wrapped his arms around me and clenched his fingers so tightly to my skin. He laid his head on my chest and it felt like he would never let go. I put my hand on the back of his head and tried to calm him down the best I could but that grip wasn't letting up. The other women in there kind of laughed with me at how sucked onto me he was but I loved it. Even when I went to help other kids, he wouldn't let go. He was a cuddler.
Finally about 20 minutes later, I sat on the floor with my little guy. It was then that I realized what was really going on here. This little guy, I thought, would be about the exact size Noah would've been. I put my head down and imagined that this guy was Noah. He still wasn't moving a muscle but had relaxed his arms and soon he was out like a light. For a whole hour, I held this guy sleeping in my arms. It gave my arms a chance to feel full again and instead of bringing more pain, it brought me peace.
Soon, I was grateful that no one had signed up to do this job because it had given me an opportunity to have this blessing which I needed so much. It was even better than I had imagined because I could physically feel my little Noah in my arms and connect with him. I felt stupid for having that anger towards the ladies in my ward and not realizing what was really going on. Yes, the Lord knows exactly what He's doing. He knew if He could get me to that nursery, my heart would be softened and I would be able to have this sweet experience.
I ran into the little boy's mother in the hallways who was as cute as a button and told her my story (which I don't tell a lot of people) and thanked her for being at that meeting so I could hold her son. We cried a little together and then I handed him over - which was kind of hard to do, hate to admit it.
Looking back, I know this was no coincidence. There are no coincidences. This was the Lord's doing in his very humble, and quiet manner. I loved the way He works. He teaches us and then blesses us while loving us through it all. Who could've guessed that simple signup sheet could've led to that big of a blessing while sitting on the floor in that nursery room.
A sweet Mother's Day craft from Benny. Melts my heart.
Since Noah's passing, both of my brothers have added boys to their families. Murph and Veva had Emmett Kimball Ahlstrom in March (top) and Brad and Emma had Eli Noah Ahlstrom just 2 days ago (bottom). Love those little gifts from heaven.
