We did it. All of us, together, made it through this year. Still, as I sit here, and look at these pictures, wonder how anyone can survive something like this. It's not humanly possible to do this on your own, you need a higher power, and I've had one with me every step, every breath, every morning, every sleepless night. I'd like for one second to take that veil away and see who has been with me through this year. Maybe Papa? Maybe Noah? Probably both. Maybe angels I don't even know? Maybe my piano teacher who I loved? Maybe grandparents that go way back? I'm sure they took turns because I exhausted them so much, but I will thank them so much when I get to the other side.
One of my goals after the year mark was to look at the funeral pictures. Seriously....look at my baby's funeral pictures. How depressing of a goal is that? But I have to start somewhere. My goal for the first year was just to get through it. Plain and simple. I think back on how the most simplest tasks like getting out of bed seemed monumental and I would be so happy that I could just do that for the day. Things that used to be my life, I was now fighting so hard to do all the while still trying to heal my post-baby body. But day by day, it got a little better. I remember thinking to myself, 'Tomorrow will be better. It always is.'
Now, here we are, a year later, and I am so thankful for the healing power of the Atonement that has swallowed up my sorrows and healed a big part of my heart.
This day hurt most of all. When we went to dress Noah for his casket, as soon as we saw him, we knew we needed to close it that day. It didn't look like him, because it wasn't him. The autopsy had taken a toll on his little body and both John and I knew that was the right decision. It took the kids a little bit to get used to seeing him in this state, but after a while they all wanted to hold him. I'm so glad they did. Such brave little ones that I love so much.
Our final goodbye...
These pictures above are some I will treasure forever. The top 2 are of Sara Cardon and I, and the bottom one is with Rochelle Tingey. Both angel moms. Both have become a life line for me.
My sweet Mama. What a blessing she is in my life and more importantly in my children's lives. Lots of love in these pictures. I only wish I had some of my kids with their grandmas.
One of my most favorite people ever is Lori Farnsworth. This was a week after she found out her husband had a terminal brain tumor. When I hugged her, I felt a surge of strength. Love you, Lori.
The support we had was tremendous. I wish I could've remembered any of this part but the look on my face says I was completely checked out. Still holding on to Noah's blanket and pants.
Look how little Bo Bo looks!
I wish I could sum up a year in one post, but I can't. All I can say is how miraculous it has been. I have felt the powers of heaven in my home and know that this was Noah's plan all along. The Holy Ghost has confirmed to me that truth. Now it's up to me to keep letting the Atonement head my heart and mind. This will be my life long journey, but ultimately, it's mine and when I've got these guys surrounding me down here and Noah safe in heaven, I know we'll be okay.
D&C 84:88
88 And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
