Each night before I go to bed, I walk into each of the kids' rooms and check on them to make sure they're okay. I put my hand on their chest to make sure it's going up and down, and then make sure they're comfortable for the night. I know it sounds crazy but it's one of those things I just have to do right now. So I went to check on Benny and I noticed that his little foot had come out of the blanket. When I touched it, it was ice cold. The most sickening feeling shot up my body and I immediately threw off his blanket and started shaking him hysterically because I thought he had stopped breathing. He bolted out of his bed as if someone had poured freezing cold water all over him and looked at me like I was a lunatic. "Mom, what are you doing??!!" Panic and anxiety had taken over and all I could do was sit and cry. He felt it too and lovingly sat in my lap and let me hold him until he fell asleep again. It scared me though. The feeling of that ice cold foot was more than I could bear. I thought to myself, 'What has become of me?'
After Noah passed, my whole world of security and comfort had been compromised. My home, which had been the place of protection and safety for our family, was no longer the safest place for me. If something so horrible as losing my baby could happen in my own home, how could I live there anymore? There were many times when I felt like our only option was to move. It wasn't until the week before Thanksgiving where I felt like I could be there again and feel safe. I know the Lord knew my aching heart and answered my prayers.
My sweet friend Rochelle Tingey, who had lost her baby Mettie a few months before, brought me a few things that had comforted her and thought they could help me. One was a beautiful picture of angels comforting a mother, another was a CD, and another was a book entitled Angel Children by Mary Hill. I've torn through the book many times already and I'm sure I will continue to do so for a long time. Her sweet children wrote their testimonies in the front and I can't read them without bawling. Their words and perspectives are strong and brave. I love them.
As I read through this book the first time, I came across a quote which said, "We cannot always understand the plans of the Almighty, but I feel sure that He does all things well and that sometimes the thing that seems almost like a disaster is a blessing in disguise. The only thing that matters is that we keep the right attitude. It is only when we become bitter that we let it change our whole lives, but when we can keep our courage and keep our eyes upon the mark and still go on toward our destiny, that is what matters. All these trials become purifying influences in our lives and leave us purer gold by and by." (Melvin J. Ballard, Crusader for Righteousness, p. 275.) I feel like this paragraph has been my theme for this trial. I've kept this close to my heart and know that with the right attitude, we will be able to see and feel Noah's spirit so strongly in our lives.
Honestly, I've never felt angry or mad at the Lord. I've always felt like there was such an important reason Noah was needed back and more than anything, I KNEW the Lord was aching with me. How could I be comforted if I was angry with the only person I knew could heal me? So that's where my mind has been and that's how I'm getting through this.
The first week following the funeral was tremendously painful. I was having difficulty breathing and knew I couldn't stay home. I needed to get out so I told John we had to leave - just go somewhere. One of our family's favorite places is the beach, so we packed up the car and headed west. My mom and I in one car with the kids and John and Brad came the next day. Emma was already there. It was the perfect thing. I needed to feel some life in me and even though everything I did was very forced, I knew that's how it was going to be for a very long time so I better get used to it. My body was feeling the effects of just having a baby and losing a baby so I got very tired very quickly. I slept in very late every day, but at least I got up and made it outside everyday. We laughed, played, and relaxed. These sweet kids are strong and courageous. I'm so grateful for them and know we are going to be able to live a happy and fulfilling life with our Noah watching over us.
