Thanksgiving came and went without any acknowledgment from me. My goal was to get to at least one family's dinner for an hour and I did that. With my uncle Ross's diagnosis of a terminal brain tumor the very week of Noah's passing, the mood was very somber at the Farnsworth get together and all I wanted to do was go back home. So I did.
Usually, we turn on Christmas music and put up decorations the weekend of Thanksgiving which I love doing, but I couldn't get myself to turn on any Christmas music that weekend or the whole month of December for that matter. I just couldn't do it. The kids did it for me. The decorations did go up but when we pulled out the stockings, a wave of anxiety hit me so hard I had to catch my breath...I realized I needed to add Noah's stocking to join the rest of the kids. Slowly and numbly, I walked to the computer and picked out his stocking with the help from the kids. They decided on the little white one since he was now an angel in heaven and through my tears, I thought it was perfect.
Mid December when I was doing my hair, I noticed a dark spot on the back of my neck which I hadn't remember seeing before. I made an appointment to see the skin doctor and when she looked at it she said it looked a little abnormal but nothing to worry about. She took it off and sent me on my way. I still didn't have a good feeling about it. About a week later, I got a call on my phone from her that said the biopsy had come back as melanoma. Kick in the gut. She said they needed to act fast but all of the head doctors were out the week of Christmas and insurance takes a while to get this approved, so we'd have to wait to do surgery until after Christmas.
However, insurance approved it pretty quickly and I was in the surgery room on the 23rd getting 30 stitches on the back of my neck. Normally, I'm a pretty resilient person and can handle stuff like this, but because of everything that had happened in my life the past couple months, I couldn't handle hardly anything. My anxiety was through the roof. I was laying on that table face down, smelling my skin burning, blood dripping down my neck, and my heart was beating so fast I almost passed out. It was very scary to me. Especially when she says, "Now we're going to reattach your head back to your body." Was she trying to be funny? Seriously?
The day after my surgery, I thought it would be okay to put my Noah necklaces back on so I went to the sweater I had worn and felt around in every pocket only to find nothing. I didn't panic but thought I should look in the pants I had worn. Nothing. These necklaces weren't just any necklaces. My sister had given me the gold ring necklace which was the ring I had put on Noah's thumb and taken off right before we laid him in his casket. Knowing that ring had been on his finger is hugely comforting to me. The other one was given to me and my girls the night before the funeral and we love wearing them. You'll never see me not wearing both of these.
Back to the story, we retraced my steps from the doctor's office to the movie theaters, in the cars, all throughout the house and we found nothing. I was frantic now. As if losing Noah was a 10, this was about an 8 because I felt like I was losing a part of him all over again. Defeated, John told me we'd start looking again after Christmas and told me to kneel down with him to pray. I love how strong John is and how comforting his words are to me. His prayer didn't ask that we find the necklaces, he asked for comfort for me.
That night we met at my aunt's house for the traditional Christmas Eve and when my mom saw me, she just held me because she could see how distraught I was. My neck was swollen with a huge bandage on it and my necklaces were gone. I didn't care about anything else. Smiles were forced from my mouth so I wouldn't put a damper on the whole evening.
Christmas morning I was completely numb. I didn't have my baby...isn't that enough? I sat on the couch silently while the kids opened their presents and slowly found the joy that Christmas brings. It ended with a family picture with Bo holding Noah's picture. Something I imagined would happen, but not in that way. Another forced smile. This was worse than I could have imagined.
I couldn't keep my mind off where those necklaces would be. I needed to find them or I wasn't going to be okay. The day after Christmas I was outside looking under a rock in our grass where our turtles like to hide. As I put my head on the grass, a glimmering shot of gold blinded my eyes. I squinted down in the grass and there were my 2 necklaces looking more beautiful than ever. Probably a little more dramatic than it needed to be, I scooped them up and held them tightly to my chest and cried hysterically. I immediately knelt down and offered a prayer of gratitude. This was a miracle especially since John had mowed our grass on Christmas Eve.
I feel certain our family has been watched over tremendously throughout this spiritually delicate time. I imagine Noah as an adult spirit with a kind and gentle smile watching us and making sure we are finding the ground under our feet again.
I'll end with this quote from Preach My Gospel:
"As we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." I believe in this 100%. More than ever. The Atonement has become real to me.
A letter from Kendyl to Noah. The kids wrote letters to him and put them in his stocking. It will be our yearly tradition and then I'll save them in a binder. That way he'll always be a part of our Christmas traditions.
