Believe

A word I didn't pay too much mind to before Noah passed.  It came and went along with a lot of other words in our religion.  We believe this...We believe that...But now it has become such an integral part of my life.

Believe.

I still catch myself saying, "I can't believe he's gone" or "I can't believe that happened."  And I want so bad to believe it's all a nightmare but the reality is he's not here.  He's gone.  I'll never forget those 3 torture filled days in the therapists office having to relive October 11 over and over again with tears streaming down my face.  I laid back in my chair, closed my eyes and heard my therapist say, "Repeat these words.  My baby's dead.  My baby's dead.  He's gone."  And I wouldn't.  I didn't believe it.  I couldn't do it. My mind believed it was a dirty trick.  My body was in shock.  Soon he was forcefully saying, "Say these words, Brittany!  My baby's dead.  My baby's dead.  He's not coming back."  I had to say them again and again until I had no choice but to believe it.  Hundreds of times.  I was broken.

Believe.

What do I believe in now?  I believe in miracles.  I believe in tender mercies.  I believe in heaven.  I believe in reasons and no reasons.  I believe in the perfectness of the plan.  I believe in families.  I believe in hell on earth.  I believe in my Father in Heaven's love.  I believe in angels.  I believe in temples.  I believe that Noah knew.  I believe that John and I knew.  I believe in the veil.  I believe in deep faith.  I believe in love sent from heaven.  I believe in the Atonement.  I believe in Christ.

Believe.

For a long time, I felt this happened because of something I did or the way I was living my life.  It wasn't until I was in the temple with Jill when I tearfully whispered, "I didn't think I was that far off."  To which she replied, "No. It's because you're that far ON."  I believe in the Lord using others as instruments in my life.  I believe this statement saved my life.  Love you, Jill.

Believe.

Believe in miracles.  Believe in life.  Believe in kindness.  Believe in yourself.  Believe in good things to come.  Believe in the Book of Mormon.  Believe in strength you never knew you had.  Believe in the journey.  Believe in tender mercies.  Be a believer.  Believe it all.  It's here.  It's real.

I will always...Believe.