A knock on the door interrupted my RS lesson planning so I put my things down and walked to the door. A UPS man needed my signature, so I signed and exchanged him for the flat letter envelope he was holding. My hint of a smile faded as my stomach turned to knots. I knew what this was. I opened the letter and slowly pulled out the paper that read 'Certificate of Live Birth' followed by a huge DECEASED. Tears started flowing and I again had to be reminded of the awful reality I'm dealing with. Just when you think you're getting some ground under you, and a feeling of normalcy, something like this will happen and knock you down. I want it to go away. Stop coming back.
My children say I talk to myself a lot now. I never know when it's happening, but all of a sudden they'll say, "Mom. You were talking to yourself again." I smile and try to brush it off like nothing's happened, but I wonder what I'm saying to myself. Is it about Noah? Is it to God? Am I speaking positively with myself? Or trying to erase the past? I don't know but it's happened so often, I really do wonder. Maybe all of the above.
I'm really grateful I've been able to find some peace in all of this very early on. One night, John and I were talking and I decided then and there I would accept Noah's passing as God's will and never look back. It was the only way. I've held firm to that but when things like this come up, you get the wind knocked out of you and once again you have to pick up the pieces and keep going.
A lot of people say things to me like, "I can't imagine..." and I've said that before too. I can't imagine losing a baby or a child. It wasn't even a possibility. Now that I've been through it, or going through it, I'm glad that I've found deeply rooted in me a huge pocket of faith. It was hidden in the depths of my soul. Everyone has it. You hope to never have to use it, but it's always there. It's the kind of faith you need when the big storms come. The heavy duty ones. And every time you go back, it will be full again. I've had to dip into this secret pocket of faith many times and every time, it re-instills in me what I accepted on that one night that this was God's will and keep trusting in Him.
Jesus Christ is the Healer of my soul. He leads me and guides me everyday. He picks me up when I am down and he's blessed us with even more strength than we ever knew we had. I am letting him take the lead on this one.
This last quote was written by C.S.Lewis after he lost his wife and it's exactly how i feel. "God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't." For a long time at first, I thought this was a crazy trick someone played on me. Even my therapist had to get that out of my mind, but as soon as I accepted this and dove in with my heart and soul, I found out what I knew all along. I knew we all have a special mission and purpose on this earth. It wasn't by chance or circumstance that we all got thrown here to figure it out. We know what we're doing and where we're going. You've just gotta hold on so tight when you feel like that boat is going to capsize or when you feel like you're falling and it's never going to land. Our Savior is there. Always.
